Okay. So. Um. I think that I want to have a kid. It is crazy. I should NOT have a child. I know this. I am a pretty decent uncle, but I would be a very crappy parent. So, I know that the best thing for a child of mine would be not to be born. But now, I get to live with another regret... well, later in life, I suppose ...to regret never having children of my own.
Just one thing, and then I will shut the shit up. I know I would be a horrible parent, because I dont want a child. I want a son. A baby girl would just piss me off, and I would be disappointed that she was not a boy. Why do that to a baby? No. I want a son.
I have named him. My son is Gunnar Dade Murphy. But he will never exist.
Thursday, July 7, 2011
Monday, September 13, 2010
Brain Vomit
I dont know if anyone aside from me reads this crap or even what I am planning on saying tonight. But I was just feeling the need to purge some shit out of my mind. Although, purge may not be the correct word, because I know from experience that while writing things out does not necessarily remove things from my head.
The human brain is a marvelous thing. Or is it? Tonight, I kinda feel like my brain is my prison. Although, again, I dont know if trapped is... okay maybe it is. I feel trapped. Caged in this prison of my own making, and I dont really know how to get out. Well, maybe I do? But for some reason I have no desire to actually get out of it. Ideally, I think I want to be rescued. I want (I think the word need, but I dont need it; I want it) someone to come along, find me when I am not even looking to be found, and break me out of myself and my prison. Logically, I find this completely unreasonable... and rather pathetic.
How is someone going to find me if I am not looking to be found? That is the conundrum. But then again, I am full of shit like that. I am a collection of paradoxes. I feel old, yet I dress and behave like a teenager. I dont know. I am thirty-four-fucking-years-old, and I still go to bed every night spooning with a giant stuffed whale named Shamus the Bedtime Whale. I insist that I dont like children, but I love spending time with my best friends kid and I often daydream about having a child of my own.
Of course, I will NEVER have children of my own. Seriously? I can barely take care of myself. And undoubtedly, the kid would end up with a ridiculous name like Fyrgh or Nitro, or September. Years of therapy there. Not to mention that the whole idea of raising a child terrifies the ever-loving shit from my uptight asshole. Being raised by me would be more of a punishment for the kid than anything else. So, I will be content with visiting Mr. Ben for a week or so a couple of times a year. Enough to have fun, but not enough to damage the child.
It does kind of make me a little sad for my parents. I dont know if they have any desire for grandchildren; although, they do refer to my cats as their grandchildren.
Okay, okay, okay. Enough about children.
I have been thinking a little bit every now and then. Nothing really serious or anything, but the thought does pop into my head every so often. About doing the whole therapy thing again. I know that I wont ever do it again, because the last time was so horrible and so not worth the time, the effort, or the money. But sometimes I think about it. Mostly, I wonder what it would have been like if I didnt have a shitty therapist. Would I be a happier more stable person today, if I had a therapist that was interested in more than just money? Or would I still be a giant ugly pile of suck?
That, of course, is typical me. What if...? My whole life is what if. What if I had never said anything? What if the response had been different? What if is killing me.
I saw someone the other day. I had no idea who this guy was. But I was taking a break with a smoke at work, and I saw this guy across the street. And it just hit me like a punch in the face. What the fuck is wrong with me? How the hell is this still bothering me YEARS later? Fuck, it has been FOUR FUCKING YEARS! Can I punch myself in the face for that? I have been stuck here four times longer than I even knew the guy! How asinine is that? Seriously?
But there it was... What if? And I miss him. I miss how I was when I was with him. I miss the fun we had. I miss how he made me feel like I could do anything. I felt awesome. I have never known someone who made me feel like that before. It felt like he was so genuine with me. I dont know if it really was or if I am romanticizing it through the haze of my memory. But there it is.
Anyway, that is one of my biggest regrets. I ruined it. I took one of the best things to happen to me, and I shit on it.
Moving on. Enough about that. Well, not really. I used to be so angry about the whole thing. I was so angry with him. In actuality, it was all my fault. Yeah, I was angry at myself; I still am. But I took all my shit out on him, and that wasnt fair.
Okay, brain STFU!
There has been some upheaval in my work life the past few months. It is all kind of a moot point now. Basically, I changed my mind about my career path and made plans and applied for a job and told my boss that I was leaving, and then I changed my mind back. So, really, I just stressed myself out for three months only to end up right back where I was before it started. I am I gigantic idiot.
But that is my life. My life now is work. I work 7 days per week, 8-11 hours/day. It is exhausting, but that is all I have right now. And I suspect that it is all I will ever have.
Anyway, I kinda decided that I need a life goal. I have plenty of work goals right now. I need to work on my life. HA! I was thinking today, that I just need to accept that this is my life. I made it this way, so I have to accept it. Because lord knows that I am not going to do anything to change it. I think that if I can accept that I am going to be alone with my cats and my work and that is it that I can be happy with things. So, we will see how that goes.
And, I am going to quit smoking. That is my plan. I really cant afford $9/pack any more. I need to have money saved up for when I get my job in 2012 and need to move. Lord knows I am NOT staying in this shitty state. Ideally, I will live somewhere where there is no snow that is within a days drive of at least one of my friends. Shoudnt be too difficult, right?
And with that note, I am going out for a smoke and then I am heading to bed.
The human brain is a marvelous thing. Or is it? Tonight, I kinda feel like my brain is my prison. Although, again, I dont know if trapped is... okay maybe it is. I feel trapped. Caged in this prison of my own making, and I dont really know how to get out. Well, maybe I do? But for some reason I have no desire to actually get out of it. Ideally, I think I want to be rescued. I want (I think the word need, but I dont need it; I want it) someone to come along, find me when I am not even looking to be found, and break me out of myself and my prison. Logically, I find this completely unreasonable... and rather pathetic.
How is someone going to find me if I am not looking to be found? That is the conundrum. But then again, I am full of shit like that. I am a collection of paradoxes. I feel old, yet I dress and behave like a teenager. I dont know. I am thirty-four-fucking-years-old, and I still go to bed every night spooning with a giant stuffed whale named Shamus the Bedtime Whale. I insist that I dont like children, but I love spending time with my best friends kid and I often daydream about having a child of my own.
Of course, I will NEVER have children of my own. Seriously? I can barely take care of myself. And undoubtedly, the kid would end up with a ridiculous name like Fyrgh or Nitro, or September. Years of therapy there. Not to mention that the whole idea of raising a child terrifies the ever-loving shit from my uptight asshole. Being raised by me would be more of a punishment for the kid than anything else. So, I will be content with visiting Mr. Ben for a week or so a couple of times a year. Enough to have fun, but not enough to damage the child.
It does kind of make me a little sad for my parents. I dont know if they have any desire for grandchildren; although, they do refer to my cats as their grandchildren.
Okay, okay, okay. Enough about children.
I have been thinking a little bit every now and then. Nothing really serious or anything, but the thought does pop into my head every so often. About doing the whole therapy thing again. I know that I wont ever do it again, because the last time was so horrible and so not worth the time, the effort, or the money. But sometimes I think about it. Mostly, I wonder what it would have been like if I didnt have a shitty therapist. Would I be a happier more stable person today, if I had a therapist that was interested in more than just money? Or would I still be a giant ugly pile of suck?
That, of course, is typical me. What if...? My whole life is what if. What if I had never said anything? What if the response had been different? What if is killing me.
I saw someone the other day. I had no idea who this guy was. But I was taking a break with a smoke at work, and I saw this guy across the street. And it just hit me like a punch in the face. What the fuck is wrong with me? How the hell is this still bothering me YEARS later? Fuck, it has been FOUR FUCKING YEARS! Can I punch myself in the face for that? I have been stuck here four times longer than I even knew the guy! How asinine is that? Seriously?
But there it was... What if? And I miss him. I miss how I was when I was with him. I miss the fun we had. I miss how he made me feel like I could do anything. I felt awesome. I have never known someone who made me feel like that before. It felt like he was so genuine with me. I dont know if it really was or if I am romanticizing it through the haze of my memory. But there it is.
Anyway, that is one of my biggest regrets. I ruined it. I took one of the best things to happen to me, and I shit on it.
Moving on. Enough about that. Well, not really. I used to be so angry about the whole thing. I was so angry with him. In actuality, it was all my fault. Yeah, I was angry at myself; I still am. But I took all my shit out on him, and that wasnt fair.
Okay, brain STFU!
There has been some upheaval in my work life the past few months. It is all kind of a moot point now. Basically, I changed my mind about my career path and made plans and applied for a job and told my boss that I was leaving, and then I changed my mind back. So, really, I just stressed myself out for three months only to end up right back where I was before it started. I am I gigantic idiot.
But that is my life. My life now is work. I work 7 days per week, 8-11 hours/day. It is exhausting, but that is all I have right now. And I suspect that it is all I will ever have.
Anyway, I kinda decided that I need a life goal. I have plenty of work goals right now. I need to work on my life. HA! I was thinking today, that I just need to accept that this is my life. I made it this way, so I have to accept it. Because lord knows that I am not going to do anything to change it. I think that if I can accept that I am going to be alone with my cats and my work and that is it that I can be happy with things. So, we will see how that goes.
And, I am going to quit smoking. That is my plan. I really cant afford $9/pack any more. I need to have money saved up for when I get my job in 2012 and need to move. Lord knows I am NOT staying in this shitty state. Ideally, I will live somewhere where there is no snow that is within a days drive of at least one of my friends. Shoudnt be too difficult, right?
And with that note, I am going out for a smoke and then I am heading to bed.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Mentally & Emotionally Drained
My life has been in a bit of turmoil of late. I dont know I didnt write about this before, aside from being lazy, I guess that there is really no good reason.
A few weeks ago, a friend and I drove up to Maine and met up with a couple other friends of ours and attended the wedding of another couple of friends. It was great, because I had not seen J & L in several months (since our boss fired J and they up and moved 1/2 way across the country). Anyway, over the few days that we were there, J and I talked about how things are where I work and how much I absolutely hate it. He off hand mentioned that people at his new job (that he loves) might be looking for someone. Not really thinking that anything would come of it, I asked him to ask around.
Back in hell (also known as my work) a few days later, I got an email from J saying that I should send him my CV, because someone was interested. Later that week, I was at the airport going off on an impromptu vacation to see my sister and #5 (who was interviewing for a job that is approximately 30 minutes from my sister). Anyway, J called me saying that this person at his new job was really excited and interested in hiring me! Throughout my traveling day, J and I kept calling and texting back and forth about things. And I actually got myself excited about the prospect of leaving this hellhole where I am now and starting over at a new place near friends in a more permanent type of job.
I got so excited in fact that upon meeting with my boss on my first day back from vacation, I told her that I was looking for jobs and that I was ready to leave.
Anyway, I can tell that this is getting to be long. So I am going to convert to bullet points...
-- My landlord is being a dick. I have to sign a 3-month lease for the summer, but I cant seem to get anyone to set anything up.
-- I had a phone interview with the woman that was interested in hiring me. I am unsure of how this went, but after talking with her, I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be like my asshole boss from a few years back and at the same time I am scared that I will disappoint her if she does hire me.
And now, tonight after a nice dinner with a friend that included watching the new episode of True Blood, I really really find myself wishing that I had a certain someone with whom to talk all this through. In the past, he and I would have long talks and he always had a way of making me feel good about myself and making me feel like I could do anything. He made me feel like I was utterly awesome, and I believed him so much. I literally felt like I could do anything that I set my mind to. He made me feel loved and wanted, and I really really miss that feeling so much. I have never had such an intense connection with another person in my life before or since. It was like we were meant to be best friends forever and that we had already been best friends forever. He just made me feel so perfect just the way that I was. And I felt powerful because of him.
Unfortunately, I ruined things with him by taking things too far. Things were done, things were said, and bridges were burned. That was more than five years ago, and I have never felt more like I needed him than I do tonight. I feel like part of me is missing and that I killed that part of myself. I really regret that, probably more than anything else that I have ever done or not done.
**sigh** I should stop writing before I want to kill myself even more than I already want to.
A few weeks ago, a friend and I drove up to Maine and met up with a couple other friends of ours and attended the wedding of another couple of friends. It was great, because I had not seen J & L in several months (since our boss fired J and they up and moved 1/2 way across the country). Anyway, over the few days that we were there, J and I talked about how things are where I work and how much I absolutely hate it. He off hand mentioned that people at his new job (that he loves) might be looking for someone. Not really thinking that anything would come of it, I asked him to ask around.
Back in hell (also known as my work) a few days later, I got an email from J saying that I should send him my CV, because someone was interested. Later that week, I was at the airport going off on an impromptu vacation to see my sister and #5 (who was interviewing for a job that is approximately 30 minutes from my sister). Anyway, J called me saying that this person at his new job was really excited and interested in hiring me! Throughout my traveling day, J and I kept calling and texting back and forth about things. And I actually got myself excited about the prospect of leaving this hellhole where I am now and starting over at a new place near friends in a more permanent type of job.
I got so excited in fact that upon meeting with my boss on my first day back from vacation, I told her that I was looking for jobs and that I was ready to leave.
Anyway, I can tell that this is getting to be long. So I am going to convert to bullet points...
-- My landlord is being a dick. I have to sign a 3-month lease for the summer, but I cant seem to get anyone to set anything up.
-- I had a phone interview with the woman that was interested in hiring me. I am unsure of how this went, but after talking with her, I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be like my asshole boss from a few years back and at the same time I am scared that I will disappoint her if she does hire me.
And now, tonight after a nice dinner with a friend that included watching the new episode of True Blood, I really really find myself wishing that I had a certain someone with whom to talk all this through. In the past, he and I would have long talks and he always had a way of making me feel good about myself and making me feel like I could do anything. He made me feel like I was utterly awesome, and I believed him so much. I literally felt like I could do anything that I set my mind to. He made me feel loved and wanted, and I really really miss that feeling so much. I have never had such an intense connection with another person in my life before or since. It was like we were meant to be best friends forever and that we had already been best friends forever. He just made me feel so perfect just the way that I was. And I felt powerful because of him.
Unfortunately, I ruined things with him by taking things too far. Things were done, things were said, and bridges were burned. That was more than five years ago, and I have never felt more like I needed him than I do tonight. I feel like part of me is missing and that I killed that part of myself. I really regret that, probably more than anything else that I have ever done or not done.
**sigh** I should stop writing before I want to kill myself even more than I already want to.
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