My life has been in a bit of turmoil of late. I dont know I didnt write about this before, aside from being lazy, I guess that there is really no good reason.
A few weeks ago, a friend and I drove up to Maine and met up with a couple other friends of ours and attended the wedding of another couple of friends. It was great, because I had not seen J & L in several months (since our boss fired J and they up and moved 1/2 way across the country). Anyway, over the few days that we were there, J and I talked about how things are where I work and how much I absolutely hate it. He off hand mentioned that people at his new job (that he loves) might be looking for someone. Not really thinking that anything would come of it, I asked him to ask around.
Back in hell (also known as my work) a few days later, I got an email from J saying that I should send him my CV, because someone was interested. Later that week, I was at the airport going off on an impromptu vacation to see my sister and #5 (who was interviewing for a job that is approximately 30 minutes from my sister). Anyway, J called me saying that this person at his new job was really excited and interested in hiring me! Throughout my traveling day, J and I kept calling and texting back and forth about things. And I actually got myself excited about the prospect of leaving this hellhole where I am now and starting over at a new place near friends in a more permanent type of job.
I got so excited in fact that upon meeting with my boss on my first day back from vacation, I told her that I was looking for jobs and that I was ready to leave.
Anyway, I can tell that this is getting to be long. So I am going to convert to bullet points...
-- My landlord is being a dick. I have to sign a 3-month lease for the summer, but I cant seem to get anyone to set anything up.
-- I had a phone interview with the woman that was interested in hiring me. I am unsure of how this went, but after talking with her, I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be like my asshole boss from a few years back and at the same time I am scared that I will disappoint her if she does hire me.
And now, tonight after a nice dinner with a friend that included watching the new episode of True Blood, I really really find myself wishing that I had a certain someone with whom to talk all this through. In the past, he and I would have long talks and he always had a way of making me feel good about myself and making me feel like I could do anything. He made me feel like I was utterly awesome, and I believed him so much. I literally felt like I could do anything that I set my mind to. He made me feel loved and wanted, and I really really miss that feeling so much. I have never had such an intense connection with another person in my life before or since. It was like we were meant to be best friends forever and that we had already been best friends forever. He just made me feel so perfect just the way that I was. And I felt powerful because of him.
Unfortunately, I ruined things with him by taking things too far. Things were done, things were said, and bridges were burned. That was more than five years ago, and I have never felt more like I needed him than I do tonight. I feel like part of me is missing and that I killed that part of myself. I really regret that, probably more than anything else that I have ever done or not done.
**sigh** I should stop writing before I want to kill myself even more than I already want to.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Sunday, May 16, 2010
Hell of a Day
Yes. It has been over a month again since I last posted anything. I have thought about things to post, but for some reason or another, I have decided against it. But today. Today has just been a crazy day. So, it needs some reflection. To that end, I am laying in bed with the cats, my laptop, and depressing music pumping through my iTunes.
Anyway... I hate my job. I really hate it. I hate most of the people that I work with. My boss irritates the crap out of me. I used to love my job. I still kinda like the work that I am doing. But hating where you live, hating the people at your job, and not really liking your boss make it really difficult to enjoy the work that you are doing. So, I went in to work today intending to just do a couple little things and stay for a couple hours and then go home. But I a greeted by this email from the boss...
Well, turns out, I am the one that put that picture there. The full story is this. I was talking to someone who sits near the common computer, and I was looking up something on that computer instead of going back to my desk. And the background on that computer is a picture of the boss's daughter; it has been this forever, since the computer used to be hers. Anyway, I decided that we needed a change, and I browsed through the pictures that were on that computer. And yes, there was a picture of a very well hung male lion. It cracked me up, because it appeared to me (by the rest of the pictures in that folder) that the boss had taken pictures at a trip to the zoo with her daughter. Anyway, I thought it was funny, and put it as the background merely to show someone else. Well, I logged out and didn't pick another picture. And then I must have forgotten about it. But seriously, it was probably only there for a day or so.
Anyway, I got a wave of terror that I was going to be fired because of this. Mostly, because I am pretty sure that just about everyone in lab knows that it was me that put the picture there. Then, as I was setting stuff up, I realized that if it weren't for the fact that I don't have any money to move or any job prospects, getting fired wouldn't be so bad. Getting fired because of a ″sexually harassing″ picture of a lion is pretty ridiculous, but it would not be the end of the world, because I hate my job.
So, I spent a lot of the morning debating if I should tell the boss that it was me that put the picture there. But rereading her email, I figured that I shouldn't. What would be the point? She probably already knows it is me, and it seems to me that her intent with the email is ensure that no other inappropriate pictures are around in the lab. And that it would be the NEXT time a picture appears that someone would be fired. So, I decided against it, because logically, how am I going to get a job if I get fired for sexual harassment? Anyway, I am still kinda worried that I could get fired for this, but since I won't put any more pictures anywhere... Anyway...
The bottom line is that no matter how much I hate my job, I need my job. I need to build up my savings so that I can get the hell out of here when it is time (probably 2012). So, I decided that I need to take steps to keep my sanity at work so that I won't go crazy and put more pictures of lions' balls around the lab. So, I decided that the best way to accomplish this is to minimize the time that I am in the lab with other people. The downside is that I really do like a handful of my coworkers, so I would see them less. But I think that is a small price to pay for my sanity, and the joy of not seeing a lot of other people.
This shouldn't be too hard to do, because most people (the horrible ones anyway) only work about 930am to 430pm. Some don't come in until almost noon most days. So, the plan is to work full days on the weekends, come to lab as early in the morning as I can stand, and leave lab when I am done doing what I need to do for that day. No dawdling around. This will, of course, necessitate that I get over the whole not doing radioactive work alone in lab. I have talked to the boss about this before. Really I complained that people that are prone to contaminate things were doing radioactive work alone on the weekends, and her response to me was that I should just let them do it and they will have to deal with the consequences. So, I am taking that to heart for myself. Plus, I am being hyper-vigilant and extra-careful with things, so as not to make a mess.
So, today, I did a full experiment and ran a full set of gels and worked from 945am to 6pm, and I am not going to work tomorrow. Of course, I will have to be sure to be around to not miss meetings and such. So this will take some planning, but I confident that it can be done. And as long as I am being productive and not causing problems, the boss can't really complain? Plus, I do plan to work from home tomorrow on data analysis and start writing a paper.
Okay, that said, here is a new topic with absolutely no segue whatsoever.
A few days ago, one of my best friends in the whole world told me that she had a job interview close to where my sister lives and that I should fly out to see them both at the same time for a weekend. I decided to do it. I need a break from here, and it will be awesome to see them both. I had not 100% decided to do it until this afternoon, but I was leaning towards it; although, it is more money that I would like to spend on flights.
So, I get home, and start chatting with my friend and called my sister so we could coordinate things. I got the trip all planned and tickets purchased. And then my sister tells me that she is at her mom's place for her cousin's graduation. And we start talking and she says that after today she could really use some time with me, so she is glad that I am coming for this impromptu visit. I ask her what's up. And then she proceeds to tell me that our brother tried to kill himself last night!
WTF? She said that he got really, really, ridiculously drunk and tried to kill himself. She didn't really have a lot of information beyond that. But he is alive and in the hospital. He got some stitches, but his mind is all kinds of messed up she said. No one knows what triggered this. And she said that he feels really bad about it all and he feels really fucking stupid (her words). She and her mom are debating about going to see him, but he said that he did not want them to come.
All the while during this conversation, I keep thinking in the back of my mind that it would be really shitty to kill myself now. I know, it is horrible. I know that I should not kill myself. But really, most days it seems like that is the only way out of this hell that is my life. And honestly, if I weren't such a goddamn chicken, I probably would have offed myself years ago. But whatever. Mostly, I think that I am killing myself slowly with my apathy towards caring for myself.
Anyway, that was today. So, I am not going to work tomorrow.
Oh. By the way, I completely cleaned up my work space and my desk at work today. I used to have all kinds of toys and cartoons and such posted all around my desk, and my area was generally pretty much a huge mess. But I decided that I need to be more professional, so I packed it all up and brought it home. I think that the next time that I drive to work (I usually take the bus) that I will bring home the speakers that I have at my desk. I don't need them there any more.
On my way home today, I stopped at Target and splurged on The Tudors Season 3 DVDs. It totally violates my 3 cents/minute rule for TV shows on DVD, but I needed a little pick-me-up.
Okay, I am going to sign this off now and spend the rest of the night in bed being depressed and trying not to think about killing myself.
Sidenote: Why is it that when I am depressed I listen to depressing music? I know that there is better, happier music in my collection that would pull me up out of my mood, but instead, I end up listening to music that makes me want to curl up in a ball under my blanket and cry. Why the hell is that? Do other people do this?
Anyway... I hate my job. I really hate it. I hate most of the people that I work with. My boss irritates the crap out of me. I used to love my job. I still kinda like the work that I am doing. But hating where you live, hating the people at your job, and not really liking your boss make it really difficult to enjoy the work that you are doing. So, I went in to work today intending to just do a couple little things and stay for a couple hours and then go home. But I a greeted by this email from the boss...
- It has come to my understanding that there is an inappropriate image on a lab computer that shows the genitals of a lion. I have no idea how it got there, but it is entirely inappropriate. This is in violation of the sexual harassment rules at ******* University. Should this occur again, I will work with ITS to find out who put this image there and that person will be charged with sexual harassment. If found guilty, that person will be dismissed from ******** immediately.
Well, turns out, I am the one that put that picture there. The full story is this. I was talking to someone who sits near the common computer, and I was looking up something on that computer instead of going back to my desk. And the background on that computer is a picture of the boss's daughter; it has been this forever, since the computer used to be hers. Anyway, I decided that we needed a change, and I browsed through the pictures that were on that computer. And yes, there was a picture of a very well hung male lion. It cracked me up, because it appeared to me (by the rest of the pictures in that folder) that the boss had taken pictures at a trip to the zoo with her daughter. Anyway, I thought it was funny, and put it as the background merely to show someone else. Well, I logged out and didn't pick another picture. And then I must have forgotten about it. But seriously, it was probably only there for a day or so.
Anyway, I got a wave of terror that I was going to be fired because of this. Mostly, because I am pretty sure that just about everyone in lab knows that it was me that put the picture there. Then, as I was setting stuff up, I realized that if it weren't for the fact that I don't have any money to move or any job prospects, getting fired wouldn't be so bad. Getting fired because of a ″sexually harassing″ picture of a lion is pretty ridiculous, but it would not be the end of the world, because I hate my job.
So, I spent a lot of the morning debating if I should tell the boss that it was me that put the picture there. But rereading her email, I figured that I shouldn't. What would be the point? She probably already knows it is me, and it seems to me that her intent with the email is ensure that no other inappropriate pictures are around in the lab. And that it would be the NEXT time a picture appears that someone would be fired. So, I decided against it, because logically, how am I going to get a job if I get fired for sexual harassment? Anyway, I am still kinda worried that I could get fired for this, but since I won't put any more pictures anywhere... Anyway...
The bottom line is that no matter how much I hate my job, I need my job. I need to build up my savings so that I can get the hell out of here when it is time (probably 2012). So, I decided that I need to take steps to keep my sanity at work so that I won't go crazy and put more pictures of lions' balls around the lab. So, I decided that the best way to accomplish this is to minimize the time that I am in the lab with other people. The downside is that I really do like a handful of my coworkers, so I would see them less. But I think that is a small price to pay for my sanity, and the joy of not seeing a lot of other people.
This shouldn't be too hard to do, because most people (the horrible ones anyway) only work about 930am to 430pm. Some don't come in until almost noon most days. So, the plan is to work full days on the weekends, come to lab as early in the morning as I can stand, and leave lab when I am done doing what I need to do for that day. No dawdling around. This will, of course, necessitate that I get over the whole not doing radioactive work alone in lab. I have talked to the boss about this before. Really I complained that people that are prone to contaminate things were doing radioactive work alone on the weekends, and her response to me was that I should just let them do it and they will have to deal with the consequences. So, I am taking that to heart for myself. Plus, I am being hyper-vigilant and extra-careful with things, so as not to make a mess.
So, today, I did a full experiment and ran a full set of gels and worked from 945am to 6pm, and I am not going to work tomorrow. Of course, I will have to be sure to be around to not miss meetings and such. So this will take some planning, but I confident that it can be done. And as long as I am being productive and not causing problems, the boss can't really complain? Plus, I do plan to work from home tomorrow on data analysis and start writing a paper.
Okay, that said, here is a new topic with absolutely no segue whatsoever.
A few days ago, one of my best friends in the whole world told me that she had a job interview close to where my sister lives and that I should fly out to see them both at the same time for a weekend. I decided to do it. I need a break from here, and it will be awesome to see them both. I had not 100% decided to do it until this afternoon, but I was leaning towards it; although, it is more money that I would like to spend on flights.
So, I get home, and start chatting with my friend and called my sister so we could coordinate things. I got the trip all planned and tickets purchased. And then my sister tells me that she is at her mom's place for her cousin's graduation. And we start talking and she says that after today she could really use some time with me, so she is glad that I am coming for this impromptu visit. I ask her what's up. And then she proceeds to tell me that our brother tried to kill himself last night!
WTF? She said that he got really, really, ridiculously drunk and tried to kill himself. She didn't really have a lot of information beyond that. But he is alive and in the hospital. He got some stitches, but his mind is all kinds of messed up she said. No one knows what triggered this. And she said that he feels really bad about it all and he feels really fucking stupid (her words). She and her mom are debating about going to see him, but he said that he did not want them to come.
All the while during this conversation, I keep thinking in the back of my mind that it would be really shitty to kill myself now. I know, it is horrible. I know that I should not kill myself. But really, most days it seems like that is the only way out of this hell that is my life. And honestly, if I weren't such a goddamn chicken, I probably would have offed myself years ago. But whatever. Mostly, I think that I am killing myself slowly with my apathy towards caring for myself.
Anyway, that was today. So, I am not going to work tomorrow.
Oh. By the way, I completely cleaned up my work space and my desk at work today. I used to have all kinds of toys and cartoons and such posted all around my desk, and my area was generally pretty much a huge mess. But I decided that I need to be more professional, so I packed it all up and brought it home. I think that the next time that I drive to work (I usually take the bus) that I will bring home the speakers that I have at my desk. I don't need them there any more.
On my way home today, I stopped at Target and splurged on The Tudors Season 3 DVDs. It totally violates my 3 cents/minute rule for TV shows on DVD, but I needed a little pick-me-up.
Okay, I am going to sign this off now and spend the rest of the night in bed being depressed and trying not to think about killing myself.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
I had a dream
Last night, I had a disturbing dream. Unfortunately, I dont remember very much of it now, even though it was probably only about 3 hours ago. All I can remember is that someone (one of my friends) had stolen my phone and changed the wallpaper photo on it. The photo was of a guy I used to know, MB. Hmm. Anyway, I was all sorts of pissed off in the dream, because my friend should have known not to do that to me based on my history with this guy. But he thought it would be funny. It was not.
Anyway, in the dream, this brought all the old emotional crap to the surface again. And this morning, it has had the wonderful effect of giving me the creeps. I am hoping that by losing myself in music, throwing myself into my work, and drowning myself in coffee that I can get this feeling to go away.
But seriously, it has been almost 4 years. I really wish my brain would stop churning its waters bringing all my old crap to the surface.
Anyway, in the dream, this brought all the old emotional crap to the surface again. And this morning, it has had the wonderful effect of giving me the creeps. I am hoping that by losing myself in music, throwing myself into my work, and drowning myself in coffee that I can get this feeling to go away.
But seriously, it has been almost 4 years. I really wish my brain would stop churning its waters bringing all my old crap to the surface.
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