Spontaneous mental brake down imminent.
I am thinking that I will just take the bus home from work any minute now and then take tomorrow and the weekend off in the interest of my sanity. I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. But whatever. I have become hyper-aware of myself and extraordinarily crabby this afternoon. I feel like I am on the edge of tears, and I have no idea what is up with that.
I think that it may just be good not to be in lab for a few days.
**sigh**
I hate myself for thinking that.
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Memories
I have been thinking off and on lately about memories. Not anything specific. Just about memory in general. Mostly the fact that I forget things ... a lot. The brain is a mysterious creature--mine especially. I guess what boggles me is that I can remember storylines, characters, plots everything from Days of Our Lives from when I started watching in 1996 and things that happened from before then about which I have read. But I forget things that happen in my real life very easily.
I have a tendency to ask people the same question multiple times, each time forgetting that I have asked before and that I know the answer. I forget telling people that I will do things for them. I forget things that I have done. One of my friends teases me and says that I must have blacked out.
I was flipping through old lab notebooks looking for a piece of data that I knew that I had, but I came across old experiments that I had done that I have no memory of doing. Some of them, I was planning to do this week, because I needed to get them done. Just today, I got an email from another friend with whom I had fallen out of touch reminding me that I had told him of the existence of this blog, because I had told him I was surprised when he emailed me yesterday out of the blue commenting about the blog.
Sure it is amusing at times. But other times, it is really frightening. What in my brain is misfiring that completely erases things? I have had times during my commute when I have absolutely no memory of driving, but I am in my car, so I must have driven. But my location and elapsed time in my mind do not jive with one another. But I must have driven my commute; I just have no memory of doing it.
Often times at work, I will think of something that I need to do or something I need to get from another room. I will get there, but have no idea what I was thinking I needed to do or needed to get. So, I go back to my desk and try to figure out what I was thinking. Sometimes I figure it out, but sometimes I dont.
Anyway, it is just one of the oddities of being, Ephram. I suppose.
Sometimes I joke about having a brain tumor. But part of me doesnt think that it is a joke, and I become really concerned: what if I really do have a brain tumor? Honestly, I think it may just be wishful thinking. It would be an easy fix. The tumor causes my mood swings and my depression. The tumor is why I get headaches and have issues remembering things. But really, it is probably my mental problems that are envisioning a tumor to avoid trying to actually fix things that are wrong with me. I cant help it; I have a tumor. Sure! Go lay in a ball on the couch and feel numb. That will solve all the problems.
So, yeah. That is todays thing. And so what? Yeah. Im out.
I have a tendency to ask people the same question multiple times, each time forgetting that I have asked before and that I know the answer. I forget telling people that I will do things for them. I forget things that I have done. One of my friends teases me and says that I must have blacked out.
I was flipping through old lab notebooks looking for a piece of data that I knew that I had, but I came across old experiments that I had done that I have no memory of doing. Some of them, I was planning to do this week, because I needed to get them done. Just today, I got an email from another friend with whom I had fallen out of touch reminding me that I had told him of the existence of this blog, because I had told him I was surprised when he emailed me yesterday out of the blue commenting about the blog.
Sure it is amusing at times. But other times, it is really frightening. What in my brain is misfiring that completely erases things? I have had times during my commute when I have absolutely no memory of driving, but I am in my car, so I must have driven. But my location and elapsed time in my mind do not jive with one another. But I must have driven my commute; I just have no memory of doing it.
Often times at work, I will think of something that I need to do or something I need to get from another room. I will get there, but have no idea what I was thinking I needed to do or needed to get. So, I go back to my desk and try to figure out what I was thinking. Sometimes I figure it out, but sometimes I dont.
Anyway, it is just one of the oddities of being, Ephram. I suppose.
Sometimes I joke about having a brain tumor. But part of me doesnt think that it is a joke, and I become really concerned: what if I really do have a brain tumor? Honestly, I think it may just be wishful thinking. It would be an easy fix. The tumor causes my mood swings and my depression. The tumor is why I get headaches and have issues remembering things. But really, it is probably my mental problems that are envisioning a tumor to avoid trying to actually fix things that are wrong with me. I cant help it; I have a tumor. Sure! Go lay in a ball on the couch and feel numb. That will solve all the problems.
So, yeah. That is todays thing. And so what? Yeah. Im out.
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Dumping Ground
So, for once, I log into here, and Blogger tells me that I have not posted a blog entry since September 23. Hmmm. Luckily, practically no one reads this.
Anyway, things have been busy for me. Yes, that is always my excuse. There are always excuses. Life gets in the way of doing what one wants to do. Whatever. I should punch myself in the face, but what good would that do? Basically, like most things that I start, this simply fell by the wayside as I got distracted with other things. I bite off more than I can chew. I procrastinate. I ... I ... I was going to say that I do lots of things that get in the way of doing the hobbies that I say that I have. That is a big, fat, fucking lie. I am a liar.
What really happens is that I get really excited about starting something new, and it is great and awesome and fun ... for about a month. And then there is either something new that I have decided to start, or as the case here, I simply become apathetic. Chalk it up to being lazy or blame it on my raging, untreated depression, but I spend night after night laying on the couch watching TV. Oh sure, I may decide that I should be working on the story and should be putting it in the blog. But all that really happens is that I end up feeling shitty about myself for once again not following through with one of my ... I dont know what the proper word is projects? hobbies? No, grandiose ideas. And I lay on the couch more, unable to motivate myself to do anything than select another episode from the TiVo menu.
The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that I KNEW going into it that I would drop it eventually. How fucked up is that? This blog went the way of the scrapbooking and the music videos and the writing in general. Dropped. Not really dropped because I dont want to do them and not because I wasnt any good at it. Dropped out of apathy. How fucking lame is that?
Sure, my work got busy, and I use that as an excuse. But is it really? I work just about every day of the week, and sometimes, I bring work home with me. But there is time. I just spend it like a vegetable on the couch. I have no real life outside of work, so one would think that having hobbies to keep me occupied at home would be a good thing. But no.
Honestly, I think that I really just like starting new things. I am the same way at work. I am always starting new projects, and I have plans for several new projects that I have not even started yet. However, I have the hardest time forcing myself to follow through on the current projects that just need a little more work to get finished.
Maybe part of me likes having things hanging over my head. There is always something (sometimes, several things) hanging over my head. I hate that feeling, dreading an impending deadline or knowing that something needs to get finished. Yet as soon as something gets finished, I find myself making something new to do. For once, I would like to have more than a To Do List.
I dont know why this post took such a long-winded turn. My only point to was really to feign shock that it has been four months since I have written anything. Honestly, what is more shocking is that it has ONLY been four months.
But in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about getting back into the the writing thing. Not the fiction. Although, I really should get back to that. Unfortunately, the characters have not been talking to me lately. They arent there in my head pushing me forward as they used to. And while this is sad, and I miss them. I can not force them back. No, my thoughts, as usual, are selfish. And I have been thinking of taking this blog in a more personal direction. Sure, my fiction is personal; a lot of me is in my story (maybe too much me). But I was thinking that this could be more of a personal journal. Maybe that will inspire me to get back into my story. But for now, it really is just all about me.
What has been irritating me lately, is that I dont have a dumping ground. There is no place to turn to purge this shit out of my brain. It used to be, back in the day, that my LiveJournal was that place. Then, too many people I knew in real life were there, and I could not let them read my personal crap. And I used to sometimes post more personal stuff in my Facebook, but again, too many people and too much crap. What I really need is a place to vent where I can get out what I need to get out; somewhere that coworkers do not know about and where my friends cant find me. Very few people (two, I think) even know that this blog even exists, and I doubt that either of them are checking it for updates.
So, yeah, The Creative Blog with a Dark Imagination is still here. But now, it is more just garbage from my head, and not the polished and planned prose that I had originally intended. But I do reserve the right to post more Maplethorpe Ridge or other random stuff here.
I just cracked myself up ... writing that last paragraph like people are reading this. It is laughable. Maybe someday when I am dead and gone, my sister will be going through my things and stumble across this. I am sorry that she will have to do that.
Anyway, things have been busy for me. Yes, that is always my excuse. There are always excuses. Life gets in the way of doing what one wants to do. Whatever. I should punch myself in the face, but what good would that do? Basically, like most things that I start, this simply fell by the wayside as I got distracted with other things. I bite off more than I can chew. I procrastinate. I ... I ... I was going to say that I do lots of things that get in the way of doing the hobbies that I say that I have. That is a big, fat, fucking lie. I am a liar.
What really happens is that I get really excited about starting something new, and it is great and awesome and fun ... for about a month. And then there is either something new that I have decided to start, or as the case here, I simply become apathetic. Chalk it up to being lazy or blame it on my raging, untreated depression, but I spend night after night laying on the couch watching TV. Oh sure, I may decide that I should be working on the story and should be putting it in the blog. But all that really happens is that I end up feeling shitty about myself for once again not following through with one of my ... I dont know what the proper word is projects? hobbies? No, grandiose ideas. And I lay on the couch more, unable to motivate myself to do anything than select another episode from the TiVo menu.
The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that I KNEW going into it that I would drop it eventually. How fucked up is that? This blog went the way of the scrapbooking and the music videos and the writing in general. Dropped. Not really dropped because I dont want to do them and not because I wasnt any good at it. Dropped out of apathy. How fucking lame is that?
Sure, my work got busy, and I use that as an excuse. But is it really? I work just about every day of the week, and sometimes, I bring work home with me. But there is time. I just spend it like a vegetable on the couch. I have no real life outside of work, so one would think that having hobbies to keep me occupied at home would be a good thing. But no.
Honestly, I think that I really just like starting new things. I am the same way at work. I am always starting new projects, and I have plans for several new projects that I have not even started yet. However, I have the hardest time forcing myself to follow through on the current projects that just need a little more work to get finished.
Maybe part of me likes having things hanging over my head. There is always something (sometimes, several things) hanging over my head. I hate that feeling, dreading an impending deadline or knowing that something needs to get finished. Yet as soon as something gets finished, I find myself making something new to do. For once, I would like to have more than a To Do List.
I dont know why this post took such a long-winded turn. My only point to was really to feign shock that it has been four months since I have written anything. Honestly, what is more shocking is that it has ONLY been four months.
But in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about getting back into the the writing thing. Not the fiction. Although, I really should get back to that. Unfortunately, the characters have not been talking to me lately. They arent there in my head pushing me forward as they used to. And while this is sad, and I miss them. I can not force them back. No, my thoughts, as usual, are selfish. And I have been thinking of taking this blog in a more personal direction. Sure, my fiction is personal; a lot of me is in my story (maybe too much me). But I was thinking that this could be more of a personal journal. Maybe that will inspire me to get back into my story. But for now, it really is just all about me.
What has been irritating me lately, is that I dont have a dumping ground. There is no place to turn to purge this shit out of my brain. It used to be, back in the day, that my LiveJournal was that place. Then, too many people I knew in real life were there, and I could not let them read my personal crap. And I used to sometimes post more personal stuff in my Facebook, but again, too many people and too much crap. What I really need is a place to vent where I can get out what I need to get out; somewhere that coworkers do not know about and where my friends cant find me. Very few people (two, I think) even know that this blog even exists, and I doubt that either of them are checking it for updates.
So, yeah, The Creative Blog with a Dark Imagination is still here. But now, it is more just garbage from my head, and not the polished and planned prose that I had originally intended. But I do reserve the right to post more Maplethorpe Ridge or other random stuff here.
I just cracked myself up ... writing that last paragraph like people are reading this. It is laughable. Maybe someday when I am dead and gone, my sister will be going through my things and stumble across this. I am sorry that she will have to do that.
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