Last night, I had a disturbing dream. Unfortunately, I dont remember very much of it now, even though it was probably only about 3 hours ago. All I can remember is that someone (one of my friends) had stolen my phone and changed the wallpaper photo on it. The photo was of a guy I used to know, MB. Hmm. Anyway, I was all sorts of pissed off in the dream, because my friend should have known not to do that to me based on my history with this guy. But he thought it would be funny. It was not.
Anyway, in the dream, this brought all the old emotional crap to the surface again. And this morning, it has had the wonderful effect of giving me the creeps. I am hoping that by losing myself in music, throwing myself into my work, and drowning myself in coffee that I can get this feeling to go away.
But seriously, it has been almost 4 years. I really wish my brain would stop churning its waters bringing all my old crap to the surface.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Monday, April 5, 2010
Oh my horrible brain.
It really has been a depressing week lately. There really is no rhyme or reason for my mood. I am pretty much over the whole dissolution of the carpooling thing. She rode her bike to work again today, anyway. I figure that now that the weather is nice out again that she will be doing that a lot -- probably every day.
I have been thinking a lot lately about taking care of myself. Just about every night when I go to bed, I think to myself that I really need someone to be here and take care of me. Honestly, I dont NEED someone to take care of me, but I do WANT that. I want it so much. But seriously, I am 33 years old (nearly 34). I am a grown up (whether I like it or not), and I can take care of myself. And I should be taking care of myself.
I have very little desire to take care of myself, and I do a really shitty job of it, because of that. But I get myself to work every day. I keep the cats fed and loved and cared for. I make sure that I shower every day. That may just be the entire extent of what I do for myself. I know that I should take better care of myself. I should quit smoking for reals. I should eat better; hell, I should eat period. I should go to the dentist and get my teeth taken care of. I should exercise. I was going to say exercise more, but seeing as how the only exercise I get is walking to and from the bus stop that shouldnt count.
But you see the problem is this. I know what I should be doing. I know HOW to do these things. I just dont WANT to do them. I have a horrible why bother attitude about the whole thing. I put on a show for people at work. If anyone knew how I actually lived my life... well, I doubt that most people would care. But those who did would be appalled. There is no food in my fridge. I have not been to the grocery store since February. When people at work hear this (most people know of my grocery store phobia), they assume that I eat out a lot. I let them.
The truth is, I rarely eat at home. I didnt go to work on Sunday. I was home all day. What did I eat? Six Toaster Strudels (3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon). Four popcicles (afternoon snack). And a small bit of Thai noodles leftover from Fridays lunch from work for dinner.
I know better. But I just cant make myself BE better. Granted, most nights, I forget about eating, or I just dont think of it altogether. A lot of the time, I just dont get hungry. Other times, I just put it out of my head. Because I know, if I eat something and succumb to the hunger, it will only make me more hungry and I will have to eat more. Eating more is more difficult to avoid. So, I just avoid starting to eat.
Okay, this sounds horrible. And not at all where I thought this post was going when I started it. But there it is. My horrible secret is out. LOL. Just add food issues to the list of things that are wrong with me.
And here I thought this was going to end up being about the boy I met at the conference I was at at the end of March. HA!
**sigh**
I really need to get out of this god-forsaken state.
PS... I have discovered a new song (not a new song, but new to me). It was featured in the episode of Chuck that I just watched on Hulu. Astair by Matt Costa.
Now I have to debate with myself about whether I should go to bed or stay up and watch more Chuck. Or if I should pull my conference notes out of my bag and unload a whole big ol bag of crazy on the blog. Hmmm.
I have been thinking a lot lately about taking care of myself. Just about every night when I go to bed, I think to myself that I really need someone to be here and take care of me. Honestly, I dont NEED someone to take care of me, but I do WANT that. I want it so much. But seriously, I am 33 years old (nearly 34). I am a grown up (whether I like it or not), and I can take care of myself. And I should be taking care of myself.
I have very little desire to take care of myself, and I do a really shitty job of it, because of that. But I get myself to work every day. I keep the cats fed and loved and cared for. I make sure that I shower every day. That may just be the entire extent of what I do for myself. I know that I should take better care of myself. I should quit smoking for reals. I should eat better; hell, I should eat period. I should go to the dentist and get my teeth taken care of. I should exercise. I was going to say exercise more, but seeing as how the only exercise I get is walking to and from the bus stop that shouldnt count.
But you see the problem is this. I know what I should be doing. I know HOW to do these things. I just dont WANT to do them. I have a horrible why bother attitude about the whole thing. I put on a show for people at work. If anyone knew how I actually lived my life... well, I doubt that most people would care. But those who did would be appalled. There is no food in my fridge. I have not been to the grocery store since February. When people at work hear this (most people know of my grocery store phobia), they assume that I eat out a lot. I let them.
The truth is, I rarely eat at home. I didnt go to work on Sunday. I was home all day. What did I eat? Six Toaster Strudels (3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon). Four popcicles (afternoon snack). And a small bit of Thai noodles leftover from Fridays lunch from work for dinner.
I know better. But I just cant make myself BE better. Granted, most nights, I forget about eating, or I just dont think of it altogether. A lot of the time, I just dont get hungry. Other times, I just put it out of my head. Because I know, if I eat something and succumb to the hunger, it will only make me more hungry and I will have to eat more. Eating more is more difficult to avoid. So, I just avoid starting to eat.
Okay, this sounds horrible. And not at all where I thought this post was going when I started it. But there it is. My horrible secret is out. LOL. Just add food issues to the list of things that are wrong with me.
And here I thought this was going to end up being about the boy I met at the conference I was at at the end of March. HA!
**sigh**
I really need to get out of this god-forsaken state.
PS... I have discovered a new song (not a new song, but new to me). It was featured in the episode of Chuck that I just watched on Hulu. Astair by Matt Costa.
Now I have to debate with myself about whether I should go to bed or stay up and watch more Chuck. Or if I should pull my conference notes out of my bag and unload a whole big ol bag of crazy on the blog. Hmmm.
Friday, April 2, 2010
Still learning about people
I think that I have no idea about people in general. Scratch that. I know that I know nothing about people and about how to interact with them. I think that is why, for the most part, I will sit back, listen, and observe when I am confronted with a new person. It is really awkward.
Today, I learned a valuable lesson (again). Do not assume that another person thinks of you in the same way that you think of him or her. For the most part, someone can figure out a general idea about what someone else thinks of him or her through interacting with that person. I end up falling for my usual trap of reading way too much into things, which always comes up at some point or another to bite me in the ass.
Anyway, a bit of background into what I am getting at here. I used to carpool to work with a friend of mine and his wife. A couple months ago, they moved away, and I was forced to find another way to get to work. Not a big deal. I could drive and pay to park. But I discovered that I could take the bus to work from my place relatively easily. I did this several times in the snowy times this winter, and I would get a ride home from another coworker who lives near to my place.
So, once my friends moved, I talked to this other coworker, and I asked her that if I took the bus in the morning all the time if I could get a ride home with her. She said that I could except if it was nice out and she happened to ride her bike to work. Sure, no problem for me. I can take the bus home on those days. No worries.
Anyway, today was a relatively low-key day at work. And a lot of my hard core work was done earlier than I had plan (mostly because my long/difficult experiment I had planned to do fell through). So, I was done with all my stuff around 4 or 430pm. Usually, my coworker and I would leave whenever her boyfriend (who works across campus, lives with her, and carpools as well) was done working (or rather, once both of them were done); this usually involves us leaving between 545 and 630. So, once I was done with my labwork, I sat at my desk and worked on computer stuff and farted around on the internet, basically trying to figure out some things with my project and killing time until they were ready to head home.
So, around 620 or so, she starts packing up her stuff (a little odd, since usually, she will give me a 10/15 minute warning). I start packing my shit up too to get ready to go. And she turns to me and says that she rode her bike today.
Seriously? You couldnt have told me that earlier in the day? If I knew that I was going to be taking the bus home, I would have left two hours earlier! In the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal. But where is the common courtesy? I ride home with them every day. Today was the first day that she has ridden her bike to work since it got warmer out. Was I supposed to read her mind and know that there was no ride home? Anyway, I was pissed off, so I just took my bottle of water to the kitchen to put it in the fridge so I could cool off and give her time to get out of there so I could be angry.
Now, hours later, I am not all that angry. But this did make me think. I thought we were friends. And I think that I was thinking things between us were more than friendly coworkers, but I think that I was wrong. But I may be wrong about this realization as well.
Anyway.....
In other news, I have been meaning to post a LOT of things to get them out of my head. But, honestly, the activation energy for me to do so has just been too great. I have been having the most horrible time this week regrouping from my conference trip last week. I am jet lagged, I guess. And this has just exacerbated my sleeping issues. I am exhausted all the time, which does not really make for me being productive.
So that is where things stand. Pretty much status quo here. Hating my life, but too lazy/apathetic to actually do anything about it. I am miserable and stuck.
Today, I learned a valuable lesson (again). Do not assume that another person thinks of you in the same way that you think of him or her. For the most part, someone can figure out a general idea about what someone else thinks of him or her through interacting with that person. I end up falling for my usual trap of reading way too much into things, which always comes up at some point or another to bite me in the ass.
Anyway, a bit of background into what I am getting at here. I used to carpool to work with a friend of mine and his wife. A couple months ago, they moved away, and I was forced to find another way to get to work. Not a big deal. I could drive and pay to park. But I discovered that I could take the bus to work from my place relatively easily. I did this several times in the snowy times this winter, and I would get a ride home from another coworker who lives near to my place.
So, once my friends moved, I talked to this other coworker, and I asked her that if I took the bus in the morning all the time if I could get a ride home with her. She said that I could except if it was nice out and she happened to ride her bike to work. Sure, no problem for me. I can take the bus home on those days. No worries.
Anyway, today was a relatively low-key day at work. And a lot of my hard core work was done earlier than I had plan (mostly because my long/difficult experiment I had planned to do fell through). So, I was done with all my stuff around 4 or 430pm. Usually, my coworker and I would leave whenever her boyfriend (who works across campus, lives with her, and carpools as well) was done working (or rather, once both of them were done); this usually involves us leaving between 545 and 630. So, once I was done with my labwork, I sat at my desk and worked on computer stuff and farted around on the internet, basically trying to figure out some things with my project and killing time until they were ready to head home.
So, around 620 or so, she starts packing up her stuff (a little odd, since usually, she will give me a 10/15 minute warning). I start packing my shit up too to get ready to go. And she turns to me and says that she rode her bike today.
Seriously? You couldnt have told me that earlier in the day? If I knew that I was going to be taking the bus home, I would have left two hours earlier! In the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal. But where is the common courtesy? I ride home with them every day. Today was the first day that she has ridden her bike to work since it got warmer out. Was I supposed to read her mind and know that there was no ride home? Anyway, I was pissed off, so I just took my bottle of water to the kitchen to put it in the fridge so I could cool off and give her time to get out of there so I could be angry.
Now, hours later, I am not all that angry. But this did make me think. I thought we were friends. And I think that I was thinking things between us were more than friendly coworkers, but I think that I was wrong. But I may be wrong about this realization as well.
Anyway.....
In other news, I have been meaning to post a LOT of things to get them out of my head. But, honestly, the activation energy for me to do so has just been too great. I have been having the most horrible time this week regrouping from my conference trip last week. I am jet lagged, I guess. And this has just exacerbated my sleeping issues. I am exhausted all the time, which does not really make for me being productive.
So that is where things stand. Pretty much status quo here. Hating my life, but too lazy/apathetic to actually do anything about it. I am miserable and stuck.
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