Brain Vomit

I dont know if anyone aside from me reads this crap or even what I am planning on saying tonight. But I was just feeling the need to purge some shit out of my mind. Although, purge may not be the correct word, because I know from experience that while writing things out does not necessarily remove things from my head.

The human brain is a marvelous thing. Or is it? Tonight, I kinda feel like my brain is my prison. Although, again, I dont know if trapped is... okay maybe it is. I feel trapped. Caged in this prison of my own making, and I dont really know how to get out. Well, maybe I do? But for some reason I have no desire to actually get out of it. Ideally, I think I want to be rescued. I want (I think the word need, but I dont need it; I want it) someone to come along, find me when I am not even looking to be found, and break me out of myself and my prison. Logically, I find this completely unreasonable... and rather pathetic.

How is someone going to find me if I am not looking to be found? That is the conundrum. But then again, I am full of shit like that. I am a collection of paradoxes. I feel old, yet I dress and behave like a teenager. I dont know. I am thirty-four-fucking-years-old, and I still go to bed every night spooning with a giant stuffed whale named Shamus the Bedtime Whale. I insist that I dont like children, but I love spending time with my best friends kid and I often daydream about having a child of my own.

Of course, I will NEVER have children of my own. Seriously? I can barely take care of myself. And undoubtedly, the kid would end up with a ridiculous name like Fyrgh or Nitro, or September. Years of therapy there. Not to mention that the whole idea of raising a child terrifies the ever-loving shit from my uptight asshole. Being raised by me would be more of a punishment for the kid than anything else. So, I will be content with visiting Mr. Ben for a week or so a couple of times a year. Enough to have fun, but not enough to damage the child.

It does kind of make me a little sad for my parents. I dont know if they have any desire for grandchildren; although, they do refer to my cats as their grandchildren.

Okay, okay, okay. Enough about children.

I have been thinking a little bit every now and then. Nothing really serious or anything, but the thought does pop into my head every so often. About doing the whole therapy thing again. I know that I wont ever do it again, because the last time was so horrible and so not worth the time, the effort, or the money. But sometimes I think about it. Mostly, I wonder what it would have been like if I didnt have a shitty therapist. Would I be a happier more stable person today, if I had a therapist that was interested in more than just money? Or would I still be a giant ugly pile of suck?

That, of course, is typical me. What if...? My whole life is what if. What if I had never said anything? What if the response had been different? What if is killing me.

I saw someone the other day. I had no idea who this guy was. But I was taking a break with a smoke at work, and I saw this guy across the street. And it just hit me like a punch in the face. What the fuck is wrong with me? How the hell is this still bothering me YEARS later? Fuck, it has been FOUR FUCKING YEARS! Can I punch myself in the face for that? I have been stuck here four times longer than I even knew the guy! How asinine is that? Seriously?

But there it was... What if? And I miss him. I miss how I was when I was with him. I miss the fun we had. I miss how he made me feel like I could do anything. I felt awesome. I have never known someone who made me feel like that before. It felt like he was so genuine with me. I dont know if it really was or if I am romanticizing it through the haze of my memory. But there it is.

Anyway, that is one of my biggest regrets. I ruined it. I took one of the best things to happen to me, and I shit on it.

Moving on. Enough about that. Well, not really. I used to be so angry about the whole thing. I was so angry with him. In actuality, it was all my fault. Yeah, I was angry at myself; I still am. But I took all my shit out on him, and that wasnt fair.

Okay, brain STFU!

There has been some upheaval in my work life the past few months. It is all kind of a moot point now. Basically, I changed my mind about my career path and made plans and applied for a job and told my boss that I was leaving, and then I changed my mind back. So, really, I just stressed myself out for three months only to end up right back where I was before it started. I am I gigantic idiot.

But that is my life. My life now is work. I work 7 days per week, 8-11 hours/day. It is exhausting, but that is all I have right now. And I suspect that it is all I will ever have.

Anyway, I kinda decided that I need a life goal. I have plenty of work goals right now. I need to work on my life. HA! I was thinking today, that I just need to accept that this is my life. I made it this way, so I have to accept it. Because lord knows that I am not going to do anything to change it. I think that if I can accept that I am going to be alone with my cats and my work and that is it that I can be happy with things. So, we will see how that goes.

And, I am going to quit smoking. That is my plan. I really cant afford $9/pack any more. I need to have money saved up for when I get my job in 2012 and need to move. Lord knows I am NOT staying in this shitty state. Ideally, I will live somewhere where there is no snow that is within a days drive of at least one of my friends. Shoudnt be too difficult, right?

And with that note, I am going out for a smoke and then I am heading to bed.

Mentally & Emotionally Drained

My life has been in a bit of turmoil of late. I dont know I didnt write about this before, aside from being lazy, I guess that there is really no good reason.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I drove up to Maine and met up with a couple other friends of ours and attended the wedding of another couple of friends. It was great, because I had not seen J & L in several months (since our boss fired J and they up and moved 1/2 way across the country). Anyway, over the few days that we were there, J and I talked about how things are where I work and how much I absolutely hate it. He off hand mentioned that people at his new job (that he loves) might be looking for someone. Not really thinking that anything would come of it, I asked him to ask around.

Back in hell (also known as my work) a few days later, I got an email from J saying that I should send him my CV, because someone was interested. Later that week, I was at the airport going off on an impromptu vacation to see my sister and #5 (who was interviewing for a job that is approximately 30 minutes from my sister). Anyway, J called me saying that this person at his new job was really excited and interested in hiring me! Throughout my traveling day, J and I kept calling and texting back and forth about things. And I actually got myself excited about the prospect of leaving this hellhole where I am now and starting over at a new place near friends in a more permanent type of job.

I got so excited in fact that upon meeting with my boss on my first day back from vacation, I told her that I was looking for jobs and that I was ready to leave.

Anyway, I can tell that this is getting to be long. So I am going to convert to bullet points...

-- My landlord is being a dick. I have to sign a 3-month lease for the summer, but I cant seem to get anyone to set anything up.
-- I had a phone interview with the woman that was interested in hiring me. I am unsure of how this went, but after talking with her, I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be like my asshole boss from a few years back and at the same time I am scared that I will disappoint her if she does hire me.


And now, tonight after a nice dinner with a friend that included watching the new episode of True Blood, I really really find myself wishing that I had a certain someone with whom to talk all this through. In the past, he and I would have long talks and he always had a way of making me feel good about myself and making me feel like I could do anything. He made me feel like I was utterly awesome, and I believed him so much. I literally felt like I could do anything that I set my mind to. He made me feel loved and wanted, and I really really miss that feeling so much. I have never had such an intense connection with another person in my life before or since. It was like we were meant to be best friends forever and that we had already been best friends forever. He just made me feel so perfect just the way that I was. And I felt powerful because of him.

Unfortunately, I ruined things with him by taking things too far. Things were done, things were said, and bridges were burned. That was more than five years ago, and I have never felt more like I needed him than I do tonight. I feel like part of me is missing and that I killed that part of myself. I really regret that, probably more than anything else that I have ever done or not done.

**sigh** I should stop writing before I want to kill myself even more than I already want to.

Hell of a Day

Yes. It has been over a month again since I last posted anything. I have thought about things to post, but for some reason or another, I have decided against it. But today. Today has just been a crazy day. So, it needs some reflection. To that end, I am laying in bed with the cats, my laptop, and depressing music pumping through my iTunes.

Sidenote: Why is it that when I am depressed I listen to depressing music? I know that there is better, happier music in my collection that would pull me up out of my mood, but instead, I end up listening to music that makes me want to curl up in a ball under my blanket and cry. Why the hell is that? Do other people do this?

Anyway... I hate my job. I really hate it. I hate most of the people that I work with. My boss irritates the crap out of me. I used to love my job. I still kinda like the work that I am doing. But hating where you live, hating the people at your job, and not really liking your boss make it really difficult to enjoy the work that you are doing. So, I went in to work today intending to just do a couple little things and stay for a couple hours and then go home. But I a greeted by this email from the boss...

It has come to my understanding that there is an inappropriate image on a lab computer that shows the genitals of a lion. I have no idea how it got there, but it is entirely inappropriate. This is in violation of the sexual harassment rules at ******* University. Should this occur again, I will work with ITS to find out who put this image there and that person will be charged with sexual harassment. If found guilty, that person will be dismissed from ******** immediately.

Well, turns out, I am the one that put that picture there. The full story is this. I was talking to someone who sits near the common computer, and I was looking up something on that computer instead of going back to my desk. And the background on that computer is a picture of the boss's daughter; it has been this forever, since the computer used to be hers. Anyway, I decided that we needed a change, and I browsed through the pictures that were on that computer. And yes, there was a picture of a very well hung male lion. It cracked me up, because it appeared to me (by the rest of the pictures in that folder) that the boss had taken pictures at a trip to the zoo with her daughter. Anyway, I thought it was funny, and put it as the background merely to show someone else. Well, I logged out and didn't pick another picture. And then I must have forgotten about it. But seriously, it was probably only there for a day or so.

Anyway, I got a wave of terror that I was going to be fired because of this. Mostly, because I am pretty sure that just about everyone in lab knows that it was me that put the picture there. Then, as I was setting stuff up, I realized that if it weren't for the fact that I don't have any money to move or any job prospects, getting fired wouldn't be so bad. Getting fired because of a ″sexually harassing″ picture of a lion is pretty ridiculous, but it would not be the end of the world, because I hate my job.

So, I spent a lot of the morning debating if I should tell the boss that it was me that put the picture there. But rereading her email, I figured that I shouldn't. What would be the point? She probably already knows it is me, and it seems to me that her intent with the email is ensure that no other inappropriate pictures are around in the lab. And that it would be the NEXT time a picture appears that someone would be fired. So, I decided against it, because logically, how am I going to get a job if I get fired for sexual harassment? Anyway, I am still kinda worried that I could get fired for this, but since I won't put any more pictures anywhere... Anyway...

The bottom line is that no matter how much I hate my job, I need my job. I need to build up my savings so that I can get the hell out of here when it is time (probably 2012). So, I decided that I need to take steps to keep my sanity at work so that I won't go crazy and put more pictures of lions' balls around the lab. So, I decided that the best way to accomplish this is to minimize the time that I am in the lab with other people. The downside is that I really do like a handful of my coworkers, so I would see them less. But I think that is a small price to pay for my sanity, and the joy of not seeing a lot of other people.

This shouldn't be too hard to do, because most people (the horrible ones anyway) only work about 930am to 430pm. Some don't come in until almost noon most days. So, the plan is to work full days on the weekends, come to lab as early in the morning as I can stand, and leave lab when I am done doing what I need to do for that day. No dawdling around. This will, of course, necessitate that I get over the whole not doing radioactive work alone in lab. I have talked to the boss about this before. Really I complained that people that are prone to contaminate things were doing radioactive work alone on the weekends, and her response to me was that I should just let them do it and they will have to deal with the consequences. So, I am taking that to heart for myself. Plus, I am being hyper-vigilant and extra-careful with things, so as not to make a mess.

So, today, I did a full experiment and ran a full set of gels and worked from 945am to 6pm, and I am not going to work tomorrow. Of course, I will have to be sure to be around to not miss meetings and such. So this will take some planning, but I confident that it can be done. And as long as I am being productive and not causing problems, the boss can't really complain? Plus, I do plan to work from home tomorrow on data analysis and start writing a paper.

Okay, that said, here is a new topic with absolutely no segue whatsoever.

A few days ago, one of my best friends in the whole world told me that she had a job interview close to where my sister lives and that I should fly out to see them both at the same time for a weekend. I decided to do it. I need a break from here, and it will be awesome to see them both. I had not 100% decided to do it until this afternoon, but I was leaning towards it; although, it is more money that I would like to spend on flights.

So, I get home, and start chatting with my friend and called my sister so we could coordinate things. I got the trip all planned and tickets purchased. And then my sister tells me that she is at her mom's place for her cousin's graduation. And we start talking and she says that after today she could really use some time with me, so she is glad that I am coming for this impromptu visit. I ask her what's up. And then she proceeds to tell me that our brother tried to kill himself last night!

WTF? She said that he got really, really, ridiculously drunk and tried to kill himself. She didn't really have a lot of information beyond that. But he is alive and in the hospital. He got some stitches, but his mind is all kinds of messed up she said. No one knows what triggered this. And she said that he feels really bad about it all and he feels really fucking stupid (her words). She and her mom are debating about going to see him, but he said that he did not want them to come.

All the while during this conversation, I keep thinking in the back of my mind that it would be really shitty to kill myself now. I know, it is horrible. I know that I should not kill myself. But really, most days it seems like that is the only way out of this hell that is my life. And honestly, if I weren't such a goddamn chicken, I probably would have offed myself years ago. But whatever. Mostly, I think that I am killing myself slowly with my apathy towards caring for myself.

Anyway, that was today. So, I am not going to work tomorrow.

Oh. By the way, I completely cleaned up my work space and my desk at work today. I used to have all kinds of toys and cartoons and such posted all around my desk, and my area was generally pretty much a huge mess. But I decided that I need to be more professional, so I packed it all up and brought it home. I think that the next time that I drive to work (I usually take the bus) that I will bring home the speakers that I have at my desk. I don't need them there any more.

On my way home today, I stopped at Target and splurged on The Tudors Season 3 DVDs. It totally violates my 3 cents/minute rule for TV shows on DVD, but I needed a little pick-me-up.

Okay, I am going to sign this off now and spend the rest of the night in bed being depressed and trying not to think about killing myself.

I had a dream

Last night, I had a disturbing dream. Unfortunately, I dont remember very much of it now, even though it was probably only about 3 hours ago. All I can remember is that someone (one of my friends) had stolen my phone and changed the wallpaper photo on it. The photo was of a guy I used to know, MB. Hmm. Anyway, I was all sorts of pissed off in the dream, because my friend should have known not to do that to me based on my history with this guy. But he thought it would be funny. It was not.

Anyway, in the dream, this brought all the old emotional crap to the surface again. And this morning, it has had the wonderful effect of giving me the creeps. I am hoping that by losing myself in music, throwing myself into my work, and drowning myself in coffee that I can get this feeling to go away.

But seriously, it has been almost 4 years. I really wish my brain would stop churning its waters bringing all my old crap to the surface.

Oh my horrible brain.

It really has been a depressing week lately. There really is no rhyme or reason for my mood. I am pretty much over the whole dissolution of the carpooling thing. She rode her bike to work again today, anyway. I figure that now that the weather is nice out again that she will be doing that a lot -- probably every day.

I have been thinking a lot lately about taking care of myself. Just about every night when I go to bed, I think to myself that I really need someone to be here and take care of me. Honestly, I dont NEED someone to take care of me, but I do WANT that. I want it so much. But seriously, I am 33 years old (nearly 34). I am a grown up (whether I like it or not), and I can take care of myself. And I should be taking care of myself.

I have very little desire to take care of myself, and I do a really shitty job of it, because of that. But I get myself to work every day. I keep the cats fed and loved and cared for. I make sure that I shower every day. That may just be the entire extent of what I do for myself. I know that I should take better care of myself. I should quit smoking for reals. I should eat better; hell, I should eat period. I should go to the dentist and get my teeth taken care of. I should exercise. I was going to say exercise more, but seeing as how the only exercise I get is walking to and from the bus stop that shouldnt count.

But you see the problem is this. I know what I should be doing. I know HOW to do these things. I just dont WANT to do them. I have a horrible why bother attitude about the whole thing. I put on a show for people at work. If anyone knew how I actually lived my life... well, I doubt that most people would care. But those who did would be appalled. There is no food in my fridge. I have not been to the grocery store since February. When people at work hear this (most people know of my grocery store phobia), they assume that I eat out a lot. I let them.

The truth is, I rarely eat at home. I didnt go to work on Sunday. I was home all day. What did I eat? Six Toaster Strudels (3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon). Four popcicles (afternoon snack). And a small bit of Thai noodles leftover from Fridays lunch from work for dinner.

I know better. But I just cant make myself BE better. Granted, most nights, I forget about eating, or I just dont think of it altogether. A lot of the time, I just dont get hungry. Other times, I just put it out of my head. Because I know, if I eat something and succumb to the hunger, it will only make me more hungry and I will have to eat more. Eating more is more difficult to avoid. So, I just avoid starting to eat.

Okay, this sounds horrible. And not at all where I thought this post was going when I started it. But there it is. My horrible secret is out. LOL. Just add food issues to the list of things that are wrong with me.

And here I thought this was going to end up being about the boy I met at the conference I was at at the end of March. HA!

**sigh**

I really need to get out of this god-forsaken state.

PS... I have discovered a new song (not a new song, but new to me). It was featured in the episode of Chuck that I just watched on Hulu. Astair by Matt Costa.

Now I have to debate with myself about whether I should go to bed or stay up and watch more Chuck. Or if I should pull my conference notes out of my bag and unload a whole big ol bag of crazy on the blog. Hmmm.

Still learning about people

I think that I have no idea about people in general. Scratch that. I know that I know nothing about people and about how to interact with them. I think that is why, for the most part, I will sit back, listen, and observe when I am confronted with a new person. It is really awkward.

Today, I learned a valuable lesson (again). Do not assume that another person thinks of you in the same way that you think of him or her. For the most part, someone can figure out a general idea about what someone else thinks of him or her through interacting with that person. I end up falling for my usual trap of reading way too much into things, which always comes up at some point or another to bite me in the ass.

Anyway, a bit of background into what I am getting at here. I used to carpool to work with a friend of mine and his wife. A couple months ago, they moved away, and I was forced to find another way to get to work. Not a big deal. I could drive and pay to park. But I discovered that I could take the bus to work from my place relatively easily. I did this several times in the snowy times this winter, and I would get a ride home from another coworker who lives near to my place.

So, once my friends moved, I talked to this other coworker, and I asked her that if I took the bus in the morning all the time if I could get a ride home with her. She said that I could except if it was nice out and she happened to ride her bike to work. Sure, no problem for me. I can take the bus home on those days. No worries.

Anyway, today was a relatively low-key day at work. And a lot of my hard core work was done earlier than I had plan (mostly because my long/difficult experiment I had planned to do fell through). So, I was done with all my stuff around 4 or 430pm. Usually, my coworker and I would leave whenever her boyfriend (who works across campus, lives with her, and carpools as well) was done working (or rather, once both of them were done); this usually involves us leaving between 545 and 630. So, once I was done with my labwork, I sat at my desk and worked on computer stuff and farted around on the internet, basically trying to figure out some things with my project and killing time until they were ready to head home.

So, around 620 or so, she starts packing up her stuff (a little odd, since usually, she will give me a 10/15 minute warning). I start packing my shit up too to get ready to go. And she turns to me and says that she rode her bike today.

Seriously? You couldnt have told me that earlier in the day? If I knew that I was going to be taking the bus home, I would have left two hours earlier! In the grand scheme of things, it is not a big deal. But where is the common courtesy? I ride home with them every day. Today was the first day that she has ridden her bike to work since it got warmer out. Was I supposed to read her mind and know that there was no ride home? Anyway, I was pissed off, so I just took my bottle of water to the kitchen to put it in the fridge so I could cool off and give her time to get out of there so I could be angry.

Now, hours later, I am not all that angry. But this did make me think. I thought we were friends. And I think that I was thinking things between us were more than friendly coworkers, but I think that I was wrong. But I may be wrong about this realization as well.

Anyway.....

In other news, I have been meaning to post a LOT of things to get them out of my head. But, honestly, the activation energy for me to do so has just been too great. I have been having the most horrible time this week regrouping from my conference trip last week. I am jet lagged, I guess. And this has just exacerbated my sleeping issues. I am exhausted all the time, which does not really make for me being productive.

So that is where things stand. Pretty much status quo here. Hating my life, but too lazy/apathetic to actually do anything about it. I am miserable and stuck.

Bored to Death

I have some free time here at work this afternoon, and I figured that I would blurb a little bit. I am also having ADD (or maybe just sugar overload) really bad, so I have having trouble concentrating and sitting still.

Oh nevermind. What I keep thinking about posting is a bit much for work time. I am running errands tonight once I get home from work, and after that, I hope to be able to focus enough to barf these thoughts out of my brain through my fingers.

Two Realizations

(1) I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to come home to me or me come home to him, and I want a hug. I want to be held and feel safe. I want to be loved. But mostly, I want someone in my life besides me.

(2) I am afraid to have sex again. It has been nearly 2.5 years (YEARS) since I have had any intimate contact with anyone. No kissing, no touching, no sex, no nothing. Yes, that was by choice. But now, it is out of fear. I know that if I really wanted to have sex, I could. That is what the internet is for. But I dont. Because I do not trust myself. I know that I will fall in love with the next guy that I have sex with. It wont be real love (it never is), but I will feel it. And it will tear me up, because the guy will be in it only for the sex. So, I avoid it. Or rather, I dont seek it out. It is not like guys are pounding down my door to fuck me.

Anyway, these are just thoughts I had when I was out on the balcony just now sucking down more cancer.

Hmm.

Today

It is days like today that I have full remembrance that I am depressed. That whole "why bother" attitude was out in full force. Honestly, I think that I would be content to simply lay in a ball on the couch watching TV all day, every day.

I know that I will get shit for not going to work today. I feel bad that I did not go to work, but I just could not make myself go. I absolutely do not want to be here any longer. I dont want to be living in this apartment. I dont want to be in Connecicut. I dont want my job. I need my job. I have no money, and I live paycheck to paycheck. Which, by the way, is entirely way too stressful.

The world scares the crap out of me, and I am uncomfortable in my own skin. So, I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Blah blah blah.

Ideally... Well, honestly, I would go back in time and make different choices years ago. But from this point now in the present... assuming, of course that I had the money. I would quit my job and move to a place that I like better and get a new job there. Maybe not in that exact order. But that is what I really want. I have no money, so in order to make this happen, I have to work where I am now until there is enough money in savings (LOL) to afford to get a new job.

I dont really like most of my coworkers. Some I down right hate. Some I would call friends. But being at work does not make me happy. I dont enjoy it.

Anyway, I have been watching Ally McBeal DVDs all day instead of going to work. Losing myself in television is really the only way not to get lost in myself and my depression. It is my escape.

Okay, you know, every post on here is the same. I whine about my shitty life and how I wont do anything about it. So, I am just going to shut the fuck up and regress back into fantasy land for the night until it is time to wake up and argue with myself about going to work again.

**sigh** vicious cycle.

Him...

Yet another horrible day today. **sigh** These days all the days seem horrible to me. I suppose that it is just really a side effect of the depression and not that the days are really horrible, just that I perceive them as horrible.

Tomato. Tomato.

Yesterday was horrible too. There really isnt anything that really shows itself as a cause. If I were a normal person, it would have just been a regular day. I did a stupid mistake at work, which did not really mess up anything; it just added an extra hour or so of work. I didnt even have to stay late or anything.

I guess that I just read too much into people and their moods. Of course, I see everything as if it relates to me. Of course the girl that sits next to me at work is crabby because I must have done something to piss her off. And then I spend the rest of the day (or next few days) trying to figure out what I could have done. Sometimes, it has nothing to do with me at all; other times, it does.

Of course, today, I am convinced that she is pissed off at me. I am probably right. The evidence suggests so. But whatever. I should not really be so focused on what other people think of me, and I should be more focused on getting done what I need to get done. That is what I tell myself. And that is why I mostly spend the day with my iPod on tuning out the world. And of course, everyone else sees me as cranky or bitchy or angry or whatever. The music is saving me and them from the real me.

Anyway, yesterday, I was finished with what I wanted to get done at work early, so I left at 4pm. So what? Today, I was done around 2pm, and I was just getting more and more pissed off. Partly, I was just in a foul mood most of the day. Partly, I hate a lot of the people at work. I probably could have come up with some more things to do to fill out my afternoon, but why bother? I texted my friend that is moving away in less than two weeks, and he came and picked me up and we went shopping. I just had to get the fuck out of there.

So, we are driving out of my work area, and I look up while stopped at a red light. And you know who is crossing the street right in front of my mother fucking car? Mother fucking Oron! What the fuck? It was all I could do to stop myself from running him down with my car.

So the nice spontaneous shopping trip was tainted by seeing Oron and over-analyzing the whole 10 second thing in the back of my mind the whole time. What was he doing there? Why was he at my work? Was he there to see me? Did he see me in my car? Did he think that my friend was my boyfriend? Why wasnt he at work at 230pm on a Tuesday? Why did I have to leave at that exact moment? Five minutes earlier or five minutes later, I would have missed him. Did I walk by him on the sidewalk on the way to the car without even realizing it?

All this is then followed by the anger. Anger at him for being a shitty human being. Anger at me for being with him for a year. And then, of course, anger at myself for still being angry. Think about it. I was seeing him from February 2006 to January 2007. IT HAS BEEN THREE FUCKING YEARS!!! What the hell is wrong with me? Why cant I just get over this?

If I take a step back and think of the whole situation rationally for a bit, Oron really is not that horrible of a person. Ninety percent of our relationship was all in my head. Sure, he played on that and strung me along for so long because he liked the sex, which was his own admission.

ENOUGH!

I am done. I can not drag myself through all this mental torture any more tonight. All that shit with Oron is over and has been over for a long time. Yes, I hate him. No, I probably should not. But with a few exceptions, I hate all the guys that I have been with in the past. Hell, I even hate guys that I had nothing with. But that is the joy of being me. I am full of hate an anger, and you just fucking have to deal with it.

Screaming in my head.

Today is just one of those days. Work is ticking me off, and all I can think about is going home and going to bed. I really want to get the hell out of here. And I pretty much hate everyone today. But mostly, I hate myself. Because I know that I am giving off a huge attitude to everyone today, but I really cant help it. It is either retreat into my anti-social iPod world or beat the living shit out of everyone that crosses my path. Only one of those options will keep me from getting fired.

Rawr.

Spontaneous mental brake down imminent.

I am thinking that I will just take the bus home from work any minute now and then take tomorrow and the weekend off in the interest of my sanity. I have no idea if this is a good idea or not. But whatever. I have become hyper-aware of myself and extraordinarily crabby this afternoon. I feel like I am on the edge of tears, and I have no idea what is up with that.

I think that it may just be good not to be in lab for a few days.

**sigh**

I hate myself for thinking that.

Memories

I have been thinking off and on lately about memories. Not anything specific. Just about memory in general. Mostly the fact that I forget things ... a lot. The brain is a mysterious creature--mine especially. I guess what boggles me is that I can remember storylines, characters, plots everything from Days of Our Lives from when I started watching in 1996 and things that happened from before then about which I have read. But I forget things that happen in my real life very easily.

I have a tendency to ask people the same question multiple times, each time forgetting that I have asked before and that I know the answer. I forget telling people that I will do things for them. I forget things that I have done. One of my friends teases me and says that I must have blacked out.

I was flipping through old lab notebooks looking for a piece of data that I knew that I had, but I came across old experiments that I had done that I have no memory of doing. Some of them, I was planning to do this week, because I needed to get them done. Just today, I got an email from another friend with whom I had fallen out of touch reminding me that I had told him of the existence of this blog, because I had told him I was surprised when he emailed me yesterday out of the blue commenting about the blog.

Sure it is amusing at times. But other times, it is really frightening. What in my brain is misfiring that completely erases things? I have had times during my commute when I have absolutely no memory of driving, but I am in my car, so I must have driven. But my location and elapsed time in my mind do not jive with one another. But I must have driven my commute; I just have no memory of doing it.

Often times at work, I will think of something that I need to do or something I need to get from another room. I will get there, but have no idea what I was thinking I needed to do or needed to get. So, I go back to my desk and try to figure out what I was thinking. Sometimes I figure it out, but sometimes I dont.

Anyway, it is just one of the oddities of being, Ephram. I suppose.

Sometimes I joke about having a brain tumor. But part of me doesnt think that it is a joke, and I become really concerned: what if I really do have a brain tumor? Honestly, I think it may just be wishful thinking. It would be an easy fix. The tumor causes my mood swings and my depression. The tumor is why I get headaches and have issues remembering things. But really, it is probably my mental problems that are envisioning a tumor to avoid trying to actually fix things that are wrong with me. I cant help it; I have a tumor. Sure! Go lay in a ball on the couch and feel numb. That will solve all the problems.

So, yeah. That is todays thing. And so what? Yeah. Im out.

Dumping Ground

So, for once, I log into here, and Blogger tells me that I have not posted a blog entry since September 23. Hmmm. Luckily, practically no one reads this.

Anyway, things have been busy for me. Yes, that is always my excuse. There are always excuses. Life gets in the way of doing what one wants to do. Whatever. I should punch myself in the face, but what good would that do? Basically, like most things that I start, this simply fell by the wayside as I got distracted with other things. I bite off more than I can chew. I procrastinate. I ... I ... I was going to say that I do lots of things that get in the way of doing the hobbies that I say that I have. That is a big, fat, fucking lie. I am a liar.

What really happens is that I get really excited about starting something new, and it is great and awesome and fun ... for about a month. And then there is either something new that I have decided to start, or as the case here, I simply become apathetic. Chalk it up to being lazy or blame it on my raging, untreated depression, but I spend night after night laying on the couch watching TV. Oh sure, I may decide that I should be working on the story and should be putting it in the blog. But all that really happens is that I end up feeling shitty about myself for once again not following through with one of my ... I dont know what the proper word is projects? hobbies? No, grandiose ideas. And I lay on the couch more, unable to motivate myself to do anything than select another episode from the TiVo menu.

The most ridiculous part of the whole thing is that I KNEW going into it that I would drop it eventually. How fucked up is that? This blog went the way of the scrapbooking and the music videos and the writing in general. Dropped. Not really dropped because I dont want to do them and not because I wasnt any good at it. Dropped out of apathy. How fucking lame is that?

Sure, my work got busy, and I use that as an excuse. But is it really? I work just about every day of the week, and sometimes, I bring work home with me. But there is time. I just spend it like a vegetable on the couch. I have no real life outside of work, so one would think that having hobbies to keep me occupied at home would be a good thing. But no.

Honestly, I think that I really just like starting new things. I am the same way at work. I am always starting new projects, and I have plans for several new projects that I have not even started yet. However, I have the hardest time forcing myself to follow through on the current projects that just need a little more work to get finished.

Maybe part of me likes having things hanging over my head. There is always something (sometimes, several things) hanging over my head. I hate that feeling, dreading an impending deadline or knowing that something needs to get finished. Yet as soon as something gets finished, I find myself making something new to do. For once, I would like to have more than a To Do List.

I dont know why this post took such a long-winded turn. My only point to was really to feign shock that it has been four months since I have written anything. Honestly, what is more shocking is that it has ONLY been four months.

But in the back of my mind for the past couple of weeks, I have been thinking about getting back into the the writing thing. Not the fiction. Although, I really should get back to that. Unfortunately, the characters have not been talking to me lately. They arent there in my head pushing me forward as they used to. And while this is sad, and I miss them. I can not force them back. No, my thoughts, as usual, are selfish. And I have been thinking of taking this blog in a more personal direction. Sure, my fiction is personal; a lot of me is in my story (maybe too much me). But I was thinking that this could be more of a personal journal. Maybe that will inspire me to get back into my story. But for now, it really is just all about me.

What has been irritating me lately, is that I dont have a dumping ground. There is no place to turn to purge this shit out of my brain. It used to be, back in the day, that my LiveJournal was that place. Then, too many people I knew in real life were there, and I could not let them read my personal crap. And I used to sometimes post more personal stuff in my Facebook, but again, too many people and too much crap. What I really need is a place to vent where I can get out what I need to get out; somewhere that coworkers do not know about and where my friends cant find me. Very few people (two, I think) even know that this blog even exists, and I doubt that either of them are checking it for updates.

So, yeah, The Creative Blog with a Dark Imagination is still here. But now, it is more just garbage from my head, and not the polished and planned prose that I had originally intended. But I do reserve the right to post more Maplethorpe Ridge or other random stuff here.

I just cracked myself up ... writing that last paragraph like people are reading this. It is laughable. Maybe someday when I am dead and gone, my sister will be going through my things and stumble across this. I am sorry that she will have to do that.