Mentally & Emotionally Drained

My life has been in a bit of turmoil of late. I dont know I didnt write about this before, aside from being lazy, I guess that there is really no good reason.

A few weeks ago, a friend and I drove up to Maine and met up with a couple other friends of ours and attended the wedding of another couple of friends. It was great, because I had not seen J & L in several months (since our boss fired J and they up and moved 1/2 way across the country). Anyway, over the few days that we were there, J and I talked about how things are where I work and how much I absolutely hate it. He off hand mentioned that people at his new job (that he loves) might be looking for someone. Not really thinking that anything would come of it, I asked him to ask around.

Back in hell (also known as my work) a few days later, I got an email from J saying that I should send him my CV, because someone was interested. Later that week, I was at the airport going off on an impromptu vacation to see my sister and #5 (who was interviewing for a job that is approximately 30 minutes from my sister). Anyway, J called me saying that this person at his new job was really excited and interested in hiring me! Throughout my traveling day, J and I kept calling and texting back and forth about things. And I actually got myself excited about the prospect of leaving this hellhole where I am now and starting over at a new place near friends in a more permanent type of job.

I got so excited in fact that upon meeting with my boss on my first day back from vacation, I told her that I was looking for jobs and that I was ready to leave.

Anyway, I can tell that this is getting to be long. So I am going to convert to bullet points...

-- My landlord is being a dick. I have to sign a 3-month lease for the summer, but I cant seem to get anyone to set anything up.
-- I had a phone interview with the woman that was interested in hiring me. I am unsure of how this went, but after talking with her, I am really scared that she is going to turn out to be like my asshole boss from a few years back and at the same time I am scared that I will disappoint her if she does hire me.


And now, tonight after a nice dinner with a friend that included watching the new episode of True Blood, I really really find myself wishing that I had a certain someone with whom to talk all this through. In the past, he and I would have long talks and he always had a way of making me feel good about myself and making me feel like I could do anything. He made me feel like I was utterly awesome, and I believed him so much. I literally felt like I could do anything that I set my mind to. He made me feel loved and wanted, and I really really miss that feeling so much. I have never had such an intense connection with another person in my life before or since. It was like we were meant to be best friends forever and that we had already been best friends forever. He just made me feel so perfect just the way that I was. And I felt powerful because of him.

Unfortunately, I ruined things with him by taking things too far. Things were done, things were said, and bridges were burned. That was more than five years ago, and I have never felt more like I needed him than I do tonight. I feel like part of me is missing and that I killed that part of myself. I really regret that, probably more than anything else that I have ever done or not done.

**sigh** I should stop writing before I want to kill myself even more than I already want to.