(1) I want someone to take care of me. I want someone to come home to me or me come home to him, and I want a hug. I want to be held and feel safe. I want to be loved. But mostly, I want someone in my life besides me.
(2) I am afraid to have sex again. It has been nearly 2.5 years (YEARS) since I have had any intimate contact with anyone. No kissing, no touching, no sex, no nothing. Yes, that was by choice. But now, it is out of fear. I know that if I really wanted to have sex, I could. That is what the internet is for. But I dont. Because I do not trust myself. I know that I will fall in love with the next guy that I have sex with. It wont be real love (it never is), but I will feel it. And it will tear me up, because the guy will be in it only for the sex. So, I avoid it. Or rather, I dont seek it out. It is not like guys are pounding down my door to fuck me.
Anyway, these are just thoughts I had when I was out on the balcony just now sucking down more cancer.
Hmm.
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