Oh my horrible brain.

It really has been a depressing week lately. There really is no rhyme or reason for my mood. I am pretty much over the whole dissolution of the carpooling thing. She rode her bike to work again today, anyway. I figure that now that the weather is nice out again that she will be doing that a lot -- probably every day.

I have been thinking a lot lately about taking care of myself. Just about every night when I go to bed, I think to myself that I really need someone to be here and take care of me. Honestly, I dont NEED someone to take care of me, but I do WANT that. I want it so much. But seriously, I am 33 years old (nearly 34). I am a grown up (whether I like it or not), and I can take care of myself. And I should be taking care of myself.

I have very little desire to take care of myself, and I do a really shitty job of it, because of that. But I get myself to work every day. I keep the cats fed and loved and cared for. I make sure that I shower every day. That may just be the entire extent of what I do for myself. I know that I should take better care of myself. I should quit smoking for reals. I should eat better; hell, I should eat period. I should go to the dentist and get my teeth taken care of. I should exercise. I was going to say exercise more, but seeing as how the only exercise I get is walking to and from the bus stop that shouldnt count.

But you see the problem is this. I know what I should be doing. I know HOW to do these things. I just dont WANT to do them. I have a horrible why bother attitude about the whole thing. I put on a show for people at work. If anyone knew how I actually lived my life... well, I doubt that most people would care. But those who did would be appalled. There is no food in my fridge. I have not been to the grocery store since February. When people at work hear this (most people know of my grocery store phobia), they assume that I eat out a lot. I let them.

The truth is, I rarely eat at home. I didnt go to work on Sunday. I was home all day. What did I eat? Six Toaster Strudels (3 in the morning and 3 in the afternoon). Four popcicles (afternoon snack). And a small bit of Thai noodles leftover from Fridays lunch from work for dinner.

I know better. But I just cant make myself BE better. Granted, most nights, I forget about eating, or I just dont think of it altogether. A lot of the time, I just dont get hungry. Other times, I just put it out of my head. Because I know, if I eat something and succumb to the hunger, it will only make me more hungry and I will have to eat more. Eating more is more difficult to avoid. So, I just avoid starting to eat.

Okay, this sounds horrible. And not at all where I thought this post was going when I started it. But there it is. My horrible secret is out. LOL. Just add food issues to the list of things that are wrong with me.

And here I thought this was going to end up being about the boy I met at the conference I was at at the end of March. HA!

**sigh**

I really need to get out of this god-forsaken state.

PS... I have discovered a new song (not a new song, but new to me). It was featured in the episode of Chuck that I just watched on Hulu. Astair by Matt Costa.

Now I have to debate with myself about whether I should go to bed or stay up and watch more Chuck. Or if I should pull my conference notes out of my bag and unload a whole big ol bag of crazy on the blog. Hmmm.